Musings From Nazgul Paul
by Blond Gamer Girl
Summary: Parody about Arwin and LoTR from a Nazgul. Movie -Based. Fun little short from years ago based from a Nazgul in costume attracted the attention of no less than 30 elf chicks. So I made this story, spur of moment, for the amusement of the conventioneers.


Musings from Nazgul Paul

As always, this tale centers on an elf chick, no more, no less. It all began when I joined the boy band, the Nazgul Nine, me being the ninth, the youngest and the handsomest; that is according to Elvin Monthly. In the beginning, the stage, the groupies and even the mead gave satisfaction and meaning to my un-life. However, after hundreds of years, over a thousand concerts, thousands of groupies and hundreds of barrels of mead followed by a dozen AA meetings, boredom set in. But wait, I need to explain the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. A decade of sobriety always made the return to excess so much sweeter. Now, I understand why everyone attends those meetings. Lesson learned: For a sweeter taste, let the mead age while in the AA meetings for a decade of sobriety, then return to drinking.

Anyhow, back to my story about an elf chick. During one of our tours, despite the warnings about the backwards inbred elves that lived in a backwater town, called Rivendell, we performed. After signing over a hundred autographs, I returned to my room, alone. Upon entering, the delicate scent of lilacs filled the air and a glass dry red wine awaited me. Soon after I drank the wine, my head hit the cold stone floor. I awoke bound in chains to the bed with a gorgeous dark haired blue eyed, very innocent looking elf chick straddling me, naked. She told me if I wanted to scream for help I could. "Help me," I whispered. "Oh please, someone help me." I struggled so hard that I exhausted my sword by the next morning. Then she told me we had to get married and wanted a ring of gold. Of course I refused to give up my bachelorhood. Then she threatened me with permanent exile which I laughed off, until, a dozen arrows pelted me. My horse and I raced out as fast as we could out of town. Her father, Elrond, cursed me and the band. He spread word to the rest of the elves and we were banned from all Elvin cities. Even worse, the elves stoles our music and claimed it as their own: pointy eared lip synchers. Lesson learned: Never bang the chief's daughter.

On a whim, I went ahead and purchased a golden ring with Elvin script on it but still I just couldn't bring myself to give up bachelorhood despite the fact that I couldn't get her out of my mind. Unfortunately, I lost the ring while swimming in a pond. Rumor had it some deformed hobbit found it. Years, groupies and much torture later, we found the gangly creature that clued me into who had ultimately swindled him out of the ring: a petty thief Baggins in a den of thieves known as the Shire. When they got wind we were coming, they scrammed. Then we did a gig at the Green Dragon Inn, on a hunch that the gang of thieves who had the ring stayed there. Lesson learned: All hobbits are thieves.

To my surprise, my lady awaited me that night at the Green Dragon. After a passionate night of chains with the added spice of whips; the pain, the pleasure and the lust, I proposed. My proposal of permanent groupie-hood with a ring and only a mere allowance of five other groupies per year met with a slap in the face. She told me what was good for the Nazgul was good for the elf as well. Apparently, she misunderstood my offer. I had meant for me to have a little something on the side but not her. Chained and helpless, I awaited rescue while the other members of the band finished their drunken revelry which involved swords and the destruction of a hotel room, the usual. Lesson learned: Always put all offers in writing to avoid misunderstandings.

To make me jealous, my lady, initiated an affair with a man and the little hobbit thief that refused to give my ring back. Furiously, I followed her along with the other members of the band. During our journey, the gang of thieves stole a couple of our keepsakes. They didn't realize that we had an anti theft spell placed on all would be memorabilia, so that the object would simply dissolve when held by a fan. Soon after, we picked up my love's trail once more who in a fit of anger led us on a wild horse chase. At the river's edge, I tried to reason with her but it was that time of the month and she wouldn't listen. Sadly the curse that her father had placed on the band, caused the river to flood the moment we came near it, nearly drowning me and my mates. For many long months, I sulked as rumors abounded regarding her, the man and the hobbit. Due to my poor behavior, the band took a temporary hiatus. Lesson learned: You can't reason with a woman during that time of the month.

Months later, at my winter cabin, my love interrupted my sulking with a week of chains, leg irons, stockades, whips, branding irons and so much more. I knew then that I was insanely in love. Beloved informed me that she had to return to her father since they would soon embark on a journey to Valinor. With that in mind, my agent Sauron arranged for me to do a solo tour in Valinor which I hoped would be a honeymoon as well. Personally, I gave up on getting the ring back from the thieves so I bought another one. However, the other band members still had hope. Soon after, we heard rumor that some of the elves travelled the countryside including my love. When my love was alone in the tent, I snuck in only to find her terribly ill. At her bedside, I held her hand in concern and begged to tell me what I could do to help. She blamed it all on me: she was pregnant. True enough, I sensed a little Nazgul brewing. In a year, I would know the joys of fatherhood. Nazguls take a year to gestate and the first month is rough on the mother. Lesson learned: The rhythm method doesn't work.

During our next visit, she informed me that we couldn't go to Valinor together. If we did, her father would curse me. I couldn't risk that. On the other hand, I couldn't not go because if I didn't my agent might decapitate me. Then my love told me of her brilliant plan. I would go to Valinor and fulfill my tour obligation while she remained here. She would marry Aragorn and of course he would think the child was his since the baby would be born nine months later. Being married and with child, she would suffer no disgrace. When I returned, she would divorce him and marry me. Most importantly, her father wouldn't suspect a thing and by the time I returned he would be long gone. Lesson learned: Females are devious.

I mulled her plan the next evening. Though brilliant, the plan had a one huge flaw which I confronted her about. I refused to allow her to sleep with him. She countered with the fact that it was essential to the plan and brought up the groupies I slept with. Further, our son at adulthood could choose to join the band or rule all of Middle Earth if I let him reclaim his fictional birthright. She soothed my jealousy by telling me that she couldn't love him when she had someone as tall, dark and mysterious as me. Despite my misgivings, I went along with the plan. Lesson learned: I'm whipped.

Everything went according to plan. Soon after, my love's marriage to the king of filth, my unborn son looked out for me causing her to be nauseous each time her husband touched her. After my hugely successful tour, I returned just as the ink dried on my love's divorce papers. We married and I raised my boy to be just like me. Upon adulthood, he claimed the thrown. Lesson learned: Nazguls rule.


End file.
